TFW Ramen For Dinner, And That’s OK
The ballots were cast at last,
The King of all Brians had been found.
From all parallel universes,
Two candidates stepped into the light
To fight for the right to wield a golden spoon.
One Brian came from a universe of order,
A place where traffic jams are impossible
Since indecision had been long abolished,
A place of surgically precise earthquakes
That defined state border lines into squares,
Of lions who wake up every day at 3:00 AM
And snack on a fiber-rich meerkat
To promote a healthy metabolism.
The other Brian came from a far stranger place,
A planet endlessly showered with invisible sun dust
Where the largest living creature is a 4 square mile fungus
Slowly devouring a forest in Oregon — never worshiped by man,
A reality where Heath Ledger didn’t live long enough to play Thor,
And Donald Trump got to be President of the United States.
And so the winning Brian is announced to the multiverse
And is ceremoniously bestowed with the Orange Secrets,
The deepest secrets from all Brians, which he already knew.
The loser Brian goes home on an Uber.
He checks his mailbox, but no vaporwave tapes have arrived.
As he boils water for instant ramen,
He thinks about the fleeting bubbles in the bottom of the pot.
The newly elected King of All Brians
Is immediately carried away on Boeing 747-400 to Tokyo.
He will never have to write a poem again;
the best ghost writers money can pay for
Will write a book of elegies to Herostratus
That will immortalize his name into the Western canon.
The King of All Brians stares blankly
Into the stillness of a spoonful of broth,
Hand-fed to him by his state-of-the-art robot geisha,
The best bowl of ramen he will ever have.